Monday, May 22, 2006
10:19 PM

i guess everyone is feeling not so good.

sometimes i admire Yamapi for being forever cheery.
but maybe sometimes it's a facade he puts up because he doesn't want his fans to worry,
but that's besides the point.

and here:

I FEEL LOUSY.

about lots of things i guess.
how my mum and dad are falling ill.
despite that i'm just being an annoyed brat when they talk to me.
i find it a chore to reply them.
and i hate myself for that.
because it's not that i don't care.
but i have a lot on my mind.
and when i actually tell them that.
they retort and say that they are tired and drained too.
so what do i do?
i guess lucky for them my brother's being the angel and all.

or how about the people around me?
who i am.
what i'm doing.
i can tell you.
and i can say that i feel lost.
i don't know who's there for me.
and i don't know what i can fall on.
right now if you ask me to depict my life into a painting,
i would draw a stick house.
just four pillars and no roof.
fragile.
unprotected.
neglected.
cold.
lonely.
and everything else.

ask me what i look forward to.
and i'll tell you there's nothing worth right now.

ask me if i hope for a better tomorrow.
i'll say yes, but i'll doubt it'll come.

but i guess life's just like that.
like what?
life's like WHAT exactly?
people continue to say that it's like that.
and they will probably just ask you to shrug off the unhappiness you're feeling.
because it's not their problem.
and they want to rid of any trouble or worries they might have in the day.
and YOU.
are not helping them, at all.
so you asking them for help probably isn't the answer you'd be satisfied with.

and i guess the circle repeats itself.
because people do the same to them.

because humans are creatures that are selfish.
mostly they wish for things that benefit them.
and the rest can take a hike.
they want the best and they want to feel good;
heck.who likes to feel bad?

but i certainly didn't ask for this.
wish for this.
desire for this.
or pray for all of this to happen in my life.

and i really don't know what's going to come out of it all.
i don't know how things are going to end up.
i don't know how they're going to happen.
because nowadays i listen a lot to myself, since the thoughts in my head have gotten louder.
and it has started to have a lot more of its own opinions than before.
and because recently i wish and pray that someone might just come and take me away.
and because i've started to think how nice it would be to leave all of this behind.

should i discuss with my parents?
transfer out of school.
work?
earn money then leave.
take money?lend money?borrow?
go somewhere else.
not anywhere in this place.
start to realise my dream.

but everytime.
the further i think.
something gets in the way and kills it.
and it kills me too, inside.

and when it kills.
that leap of faith i'm ready to take off with.
that same courage to take it.
is fading.
and it's getting weaker.

but i've never wished more.
that i was somewhere else.
where i could start afresh.
anew.
away from the STUPID politics.
away from the STUPID drama.
away from my responsibilities.
away from my commitments.
and the childish HOO-HA about everything.

and maybe i'm the one that's being unrreasonable and sensitive about everything.
but i know.
that if there was a chance.
i wouldn't hesitate.
who wants to be surrounded by the hypocrisy of it all?
the promises that were valueless.
a mere coating that wears off.
invalid.void.vacant.empty.

and maybe.
only through the eyes of those who were there before.
will know what i'm talking about.

and from now.
i shall stop praying.
because unless they go through it themselves.

they.
will never get it.

***************************************************************************

9 more days.

honto ni.
ima no watashi wa.
saiiyaku nan da yo.
hayaku nihon e ikitai no.
kore maji saiiyaku.

****************************************************************************

Kurosagi ep06

six really is my lucky number.
hail me superstitious if you like.
but that episode rocked.

it was bittersweet.
it brought pain to my heart.
and it wrenched it a little.

i wish Tsurara breaks that ice.
that barrier.
that wall.
the cold from kurosaki.
and just finally reach out already.

oh god.
i still loved the fact she went into his apartment.
INTO.
the fact that she got a glimpse of what kind of life kurosaki was going through.
the sink full of cup ramen.
the table piled with the many different mobile phones.
the books he uses for research and reference.
that photo too.
the one he always looks at and has that painful expression portrayed on his face,
and mostly.
the fact that she TOOK CARE of him.

i liked it when she saw what that police guy was doing to him.
and she rushed forth to stop him.
and sort of protected kurosaki.

GAH.
it's so obvious he likes her.
but i guess he's just like that.
the kind that's just waiting to be loved and when love finds him he runs away from it.

it'd take forever if i were to describe in explicit detail;
all the beautiful moments and development.

download and watch if you want to.
i'm keeping the rest to myself.


that's all.
mk.

jetsetter___________**

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